I pulled what you put in me out… and
sewed up your beautiful mouth.
– Nathan
Reich, The Dream Song
I have no idea what Nathan Reich meant by that line when he
wrote The Dream Song. It doesn’t really matter. That’s the beauty of art – if
it speaks to someone other than the artist, it has fulfilled its purpose. And
if it speaks something else to the next person, and still something else to the
next 4 or 40 or 400 people, then I’d classify it as a masterpiece.
What I hear: I pulled
what you put in me out… At some point in time, you offered me something
meaningful, something valuable, something I needed at that moment in my life.
You taught me something, you guided me, encouraged me, possibly held me up
until I was able to stand alone. I took that guidance or lesson or compassion
you gave and it was integrated into my life. From that moment on, thanks to
your offering, I was able to pull from what you gave me, from what you put in
me, and it helped me through many situations and experiences that would have
been impossible without your gift. Maybe our paths crossed for only a short
time, but what you instilled in me has remained. But now, for some reason, I’ve
discarded that gift from you that I’ve relied on for so long. I’ve found its
source and cut it out. It’s gone and I knew exactly what I was doing it when I
threw it away. I sewed up your beautiful mouth… In fact, you can tell that I purposefully discarded your gift because after
I did so, I completely tuned out any misgivings I had about doing so. I ignored
those nagging thoughts, which strangely enough, perfectly mimic your voice. I
don’t want to think about all I’ve gained from what you gave me. I don’t want
to remember where I was before you put in me what I’ve now pulled out and
abandoned. I know that if I don’t sew up
your beautiful mouth, I will continue to hear your voice trying to sway me.
That’s what that line spoke to me.
Maybe you’re wondering why I would consciously discard
something so obviously valuable. Why does anyone find a perfectly good solution
and then choose not to use it? Someone
once told me that, “An addict is someone who finds something that works and
then stops doing it.” I think the person who said that meant it as a joke. I
think.
But the truth is, we do this all the time. And not just
addicts – lots of people do this. Case in point: Weight Watchers. Assigning
points to foods and then staying within a point range for your gender and
current weight actually causes you to lose weight. The program works. I’ve done
it before. I know it works. I’ve done it more than once. I know it works every
time. But, for whatever reason, I stop counting points and decide to eat
whatever I feel like eating. I had a goal, found the solution, applied it, and
right in the middle of working the solution, decided to discard it. We do this with all sorts of things. We do it when we swear off credit cards, pay them off, and then end up maxing them out again a few months later. We do it a lot in January when we make New Year's resolutions. We feel great for a few weeks... okay, a few days... while sticking to the resolutions, but by the end of February we can't even remember what the resolutions were.Right in the middle of working the solution, we discard it.
Addicts do this all the time when they relapse. Maybe they
go through treatment, get a good foundation for their recovery, go to meetings,
build up a strong network of people, get 30 days clean, then six months, then a
year… and then they stop going to meetings. Or they isolate and disconnect from
their new relationships with others who have been a part of their lives for the
last 30 days or six months or year. They just stop doing the very thing that got
them where they meant to get. Then they relapse. Often, as they are
disconnecting, they know they are disconnecting and they continue to do it
anyhow. They even know what the result will probably be if they continue
pulling away from what has worked to keep them clean. But they do it anyhow.
There have been many influential people in my life, people
who have given me those offerings and gifts that have carried me through. There
are even a couple people who have been so influential to me in some crucial way
that sometimes their voices do come to me disguised as my thoughts… or maybe it
is my thoughts disguised as their voices. Whichever it is, the point is I’ve
been fortunate enough to have crossed paths with such people who continue to
influence me long after they are gone from me, and yet I sometimes choose to pull out what they’ve put in me and sew up
their beautiful mouths. Rather than being grateful for these gifts, I cast
them off as if they are common and easily replaceable. And they are not. And I
really should stop doing that.
To hear the song: https://myspace.com/nathanreich/music/song/the-dream-song-92166820-102212232?play=1
I’m Maze. I’m an addict.
I’m Maze. I’m an addict.
