STEP SEVEN
"We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."
[Spiritual principle associated with this step: Humility]
When I reached this step, step seven, I felt blocked. Stumped. Dead in the water. When Bill Wilson, one of the founding members of AA and author of most of the big blue book of Alcoholics Anonymous, came up with this step, I’m pretty sure he was referring to “God” when he instructs us to ask “Him” to remove our shortcomings.
Me and my unbelieving self had a problem.
My concept of a higher power, at this point, was still, shall we say, vaguely-defined. Going back to step three, where I “turned my will and my life over to the care of god as I understood him,” helped. Ah yes, the indescribable Tao. Perhaps, even without a personified concept of god I could still take this step. Granted, it would be more abstract than the way others I talked to had taken it, but that felt okay.
The dilemma: How does one ask a non-personified concept for anything?
I didn’t have the answer. Someone suggested I pull out the Tao Te Ching again and see what I could find. It was the perfect suggestion and the beginning of a poetic love affair that continues still.
Instead of just reading other’s translations of the Tao Te Ching, I began writing my own poetic interpretation, and in doing so, I found I was somehow working step seven, somehow “asking god,” making a request of the universe, calling on the Tao.
Some snippets of my own interpretations of the Tao Te Ching that ultimately became my seventh step:
When I am still,
And empty—
That is when I hear.
When I run,
Or grip, relentless
To my fear,
I only hear an echo
Of the faintest echo…
And yet,
Without those vibrations
Upon my ear,
For what would I listen,
Or hope to ever hear?
___
For there’d be no light, if not for the darkness,
If not for the shadow of grief.
For there’d be no healing, if not for the pain,
If not for the wounds of grief.
For there’d be no music, if not for the silence,
If not for the stillness of grief.
For there’d be no joy, if not for the sadness,
If not for the despair of grief.
The negative creates the positive,
For without the good, there’d be no bad.
The right defines the wrong,
For without laws, there’d be no freedom.
The high relies on the low,
For with nowhere to start, there’d be nowhere to go.
___
If I give to you now
That which I need,
(That which you don’t)
What will I have to offer
When you do?
All I can give,
And all I hope for,
Is silence,
A breath of understanding.
I cannot
I will not
Compete
With the whisper within you.
I only wish to hear it,
To really, truly hear it.
And to let you know that I do.
If we come,
Naked, and
Without,
We can begin here,
Right here,
In ignorance.
No baggage.
No weapons.
No need.
It is better that I not lead,
Or be led by you.
___
Be the womb.
Be the water.
Be the giver of life.
When the current changes,
Do not swim.
When the tide is high,
Ride the waves.
When the rapids loom,
Do not paddle.
When the tide slips away,
Drift in the surf.
Follow the flow,
Be that water,
And flow where others
Cannot go.
___
This, by no means, explains the entirety of step seven. I had many shortcomings then. I have many shortcomings now, still. When I can live by my own interpretation of the Tao, when I can practice these things, this is my way of “asking 'Him' [it] to remove all of my shortcomings.” It is not a one-time prayer to some god (or God) somewhere out there to remove my tendencies to manipulate and control, to take away my demanding nature or unrealistic expectations. No, for me, it is living every day and every moment of my life doing my best to practice the spiritual principles that are ever-changing and ever-deepening.
If your soul is centered in the Source,
It gives freely,
Without demand or expectation,
Without control or manipulation,
And it will be a light to all those
Who search for light,
And all those who
See their own shadows.
I’m Maze. I’m an addict.
Showing posts with label tao te ching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tao te ching. Show all posts
4.04.2008
3.19.2008
Step Three: Take Me To The River
STEP THREE
"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god, as we understood him."
[Spiritual principle(s) associated with this step: Trust, Faith]
It was 1988. My boss called me into her office. She said she had thought long and hard about firing me, and that she probably should, but instead she was going to give me an ultimatum. After work, on that very day, she said, she and I would attend an AA or an NA meeting. If I didn’t agree, I was to clear out my office and she would accept my resignation before the end of the day.
I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with her.
I sat in the back of the room. She stayed outside talking to some others who didn’t come into the meeting. She didn’t give me the option of staying outside. I looked around the room and saw posters with quotes everywhere:
“Just For Today.”
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
“God does for me what I cannot do for myself.”
“Step 3: Turn it over to God.”
What is this place? Who are these people, a bunch of Jesus-freaks? I closed my mind and went off to the private place in my head I know so well. Everyone got in a circle at the end of the meeting and said a prayer. I bolted as soon as the people on either side of me let go of my hand.
My boss caught up with me half-way to the car. “So, what did you think?”
“It is a cult. Have you ever actually been to one of these meetings?”
“No, but my brother goes to NA and it saved his life.”
I doubted that. “Well, I’m not going back. Fire me, if you want, but I’m not going back to listen to a bunch of religious fanatics talk about how they used to get be junkies and now they are not because they found God. I got saved when I was nine and it obviously didn’t take.”
She "suspended" me. I am sure I could have fought it, but I was snorting cocaine all day at work and I had come back from lunch on more than one occasion after downing five or six drinks. Some days I drank more and didn’t come back at all. She was right to cut me loose.
I ended up in my first rehab a few months later. My mind remained closed. They talked about God there, too. I asked them how they could bill my medical insurance company for requiring me to attend religious meetings as part of my ‘treatment.’ I never got an answer.
Many times in the following years, I stumbled back into AA or NA meetings, either on my own, or as a requirement of whatever rehab center I happened to be in at the time. And every single time I got to step three, I balked. Usually I did more than that – usually I left and didn’t come back for a long time.
One time, in 1996, I got clean for a few months and didn’t run when I got to step three. I decided to revisit the God of my childhood. I was so angry at that God, though. I prayed. I talked about God. I went to church some. I tried. But I felt that God had let me down and I didn't trust that He would help me now. I ended up using again.
When I got clean again in 1997, I heard something I somehow missed all those other times. I heard this: “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to ….god… as we understood him.” Hmm, well, I don’t understand god at all. Every version of god I’ve ever read about or heard about doesn’t make any sense to me.
I got busy defining a new version of god, one that made sense to me, one that I could halfway understand and believe in. Through my research and seeking, I discovered I believed in reincarnation. My soul was also recognizing many truths in the eastern religions. Someone gave me a copy of the Tao Te Ching after I shared about my aversion to the whole ‘god-thing’ in a meeting one night. I read Stephen Mitchell’s translation of the Tao Te Ching in its entirety that night. Then I went to the bookstore and bought several other translations.
My favorite translation remains Mitchell's:
Tao #16:
Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings,
but contemplate their return.
Each separate being in the universe
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source is serenity.
If you don't realize the source,
you stumble in confusion and sorrow.
When you realize where you come from,
you naturally become tolerant,
disinterested, amused,
kindhearted as a grandmother,
dignified as a king.
Immersed in the wonder of the Tao,
you can deal with whatever life brings you,
and when death comes, you are ready.
Suddenly, I saw a new face of god, one I’d never seen before.
When I am at one with the source, when I at one with the Tao, it is like floating on a raft down the river, gently going with the current. When I go against the Tao, when I try to manipulate people and situations, when I attempt to control all that is around me, it is like trying to fight the current and go upstream, against the current. ‘Working’ step three, for me, means flowing with that current. Even when I come upon whitewater, even when the rapids batter my raft, if I allow the current to guide me, I will get where I need to go.
Flowing with that current, realizing where I come from, discovering my source, my concept of god, my very personal, very individual, very private spiritual beliefs, allows me to deal with whatever life brings me.
It is that simple. And it always was.
I’m Maze. I’m an addict.
"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god, as we understood him."
[Spiritual principle(s) associated with this step: Trust, Faith]
It was 1988. My boss called me into her office. She said she had thought long and hard about firing me, and that she probably should, but instead she was going to give me an ultimatum. After work, on that very day, she said, she and I would attend an AA or an NA meeting. If I didn’t agree, I was to clear out my office and she would accept my resignation before the end of the day.
I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting with her.
I sat in the back of the room. She stayed outside talking to some others who didn’t come into the meeting. She didn’t give me the option of staying outside. I looked around the room and saw posters with quotes everywhere:
“Just For Today.”
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
“God does for me what I cannot do for myself.”
“Step 3: Turn it over to God.”
What is this place? Who are these people, a bunch of Jesus-freaks? I closed my mind and went off to the private place in my head I know so well. Everyone got in a circle at the end of the meeting and said a prayer. I bolted as soon as the people on either side of me let go of my hand.
My boss caught up with me half-way to the car. “So, what did you think?”
“It is a cult. Have you ever actually been to one of these meetings?”
“No, but my brother goes to NA and it saved his life.”
I doubted that. “Well, I’m not going back. Fire me, if you want, but I’m not going back to listen to a bunch of religious fanatics talk about how they used to get be junkies and now they are not because they found God. I got saved when I was nine and it obviously didn’t take.”
She "suspended" me. I am sure I could have fought it, but I was snorting cocaine all day at work and I had come back from lunch on more than one occasion after downing five or six drinks. Some days I drank more and didn’t come back at all. She was right to cut me loose.
I ended up in my first rehab a few months later. My mind remained closed. They talked about God there, too. I asked them how they could bill my medical insurance company for requiring me to attend religious meetings as part of my ‘treatment.’ I never got an answer.
Many times in the following years, I stumbled back into AA or NA meetings, either on my own, or as a requirement of whatever rehab center I happened to be in at the time. And every single time I got to step three, I balked. Usually I did more than that – usually I left and didn’t come back for a long time.
One time, in 1996, I got clean for a few months and didn’t run when I got to step three. I decided to revisit the God of my childhood. I was so angry at that God, though. I prayed. I talked about God. I went to church some. I tried. But I felt that God had let me down and I didn't trust that He would help me now. I ended up using again.
When I got clean again in 1997, I heard something I somehow missed all those other times. I heard this: “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to ….god… as we understood him.” Hmm, well, I don’t understand god at all. Every version of god I’ve ever read about or heard about doesn’t make any sense to me.
I got busy defining a new version of god, one that made sense to me, one that I could halfway understand and believe in. Through my research and seeking, I discovered I believed in reincarnation. My soul was also recognizing many truths in the eastern religions. Someone gave me a copy of the Tao Te Ching after I shared about my aversion to the whole ‘god-thing’ in a meeting one night. I read Stephen Mitchell’s translation of the Tao Te Ching in its entirety that night. Then I went to the bookstore and bought several other translations.
My favorite translation remains Mitchell's:
Tao #16:
Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings,
but contemplate their return.
Each separate being in the universe
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source is serenity.
If you don't realize the source,
you stumble in confusion and sorrow.
When you realize where you come from,
you naturally become tolerant,
disinterested, amused,
kindhearted as a grandmother,
dignified as a king.
Immersed in the wonder of the Tao,
you can deal with whatever life brings you,
and when death comes, you are ready.
Suddenly, I saw a new face of god, one I’d never seen before.
When I am at one with the source, when I at one with the Tao, it is like floating on a raft down the river, gently going with the current. When I go against the Tao, when I try to manipulate people and situations, when I attempt to control all that is around me, it is like trying to fight the current and go upstream, against the current. ‘Working’ step three, for me, means flowing with that current. Even when I come upon whitewater, even when the rapids batter my raft, if I allow the current to guide me, I will get where I need to go.
Flowing with that current, realizing where I come from, discovering my source, my concept of god, my very personal, very individual, very private spiritual beliefs, allows me to deal with whatever life brings me.
It is that simple. And it always was.
I’m Maze. I’m an addict.
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