Step Nine

STEP NINE
We make direct amends to such people, except when to do so would injure them or others.
[Spiritual principle associated with this step: Justice]

I find the spiritual principle associated with this step - justice - more difficult to wrap my mind around than I do the actual step. At first glance, the step seems easy - start apologizing to everyone I identified in the eighth step. How hard can that be? Well, okay, it may not be the easiest thing to admit to all those people that I lied to them, stole from them, betrayed them, or hurt them in some other way, but the instruction seems pretty straight-forward.

But justice? What does that mean? I am supposed to learn, to come to understand, to get the spiritual principle of justice through working this step? I thought justice was something the courts served up. A quick glance at a dictionary:

–noun 1. the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness: to uphold the justice of a cause. 2. rightfulness or lawfulness, as of a claim or title; justness of ground or reason: to complain with justice. 3. the moral principle determining just conduct. 4. conformity to this principle, as manifested in conduct; just conduct, dealing, or treatment.

Ah, number three calls justice a moral principle... that, in turn, dictates conduct. That sheds some light for me. See, if I lie to you, my conduct is not just. If I steal from you, my conduct is not just. If I betray you, my conduct is not just. In order to practice just conduct I must treat you with fairness. I must treat you exactly how I would hope to be treated by you. I certainly don't want to be lied to or stolen from, and I definitely don't like it when I'm betrayed. I can give you that same consideration. In fact, because of the previous work, because of the spiritual growth brought about by working the previous eight steps, I do in fact give you that same consideration. I want to treat you with fairness. I want to behave justly.

But there's still this whole issue of what I've already done, the harm I've already caused, the wrongs that need righting. The past. There's still that. At this point in my journey I am to make amends to those I've treated unjustly, unless in doing so I'd cause more harm to them or to others. I believe that others includes me. Some people don't interpret this step in a way that includes self in the word others, but I do. Why? Not to get out of making certain amends, which is usually the argument set forth by those who interpret the word others to not include self. It goes a little deeper than that for me.

I believe that most things are subjective. Very little is black and white, in my mind.
Let me put it this way:

The very thing
That in its midst,
Felt so wrong,
Became the right.
The very thing
That in its moment
Left me empty
Became the fullness.
The very thing
That in its midst
Brought such pain
Became the healing.
The very thing
That in its moment
Looked so dark,
Became the light.

Some needed amends are obvious. I am clear on those. If I hurt you in some way - and it wasn't necessary - then I need to make amends to you. Some pain that I caused, though, was necessary for my own healing, in order to take care of myself or my children. Some betrayal, on the surface, looked wrong and unjust, but underneath served an exigent purpose in my own process. In those instances I have to take care to make the amends I need to make, but at the same time, not to overthrow that which I attained for myself spiritually, mentally, or emotionally.

The instructions of step nine are easy to decipher; it is the implementation that is often hazy.

For example.

When I got married I made a vow... that 'til death do us part vow. I didn't keep it. Every time I went to treatment (3 times) from 1988 through 1997, I ended up relapsing withing months of leaving rehab (and once within weeks). Even though I was told, over and over again, by countless people who knew the struggle I faced, that I could not live with a using addict and expect to stay clean, I didn't listen. I kept trying. It almost killed me. Finally, I decided that in order to stay clean I had to move out and move on with my own life and leave my husband to his own path. That is what I did. In the process, I hurt him. He felt betrayed. In effect, I lied to him. I broke a vow to him, a promise to work through anything and everything, in sickness and in health, and so on. But I bowed out early to save my own life. In the process, I hurt my children. We all know the statistics and issues of children of divorce. I caused this harm... yet, I had to do it. I felt I had no choice. Even though I did hurt others, I made the only decision I knew to make at that point in my own journey into wholeness and health and healing.

That example is just one of many.

I have made decisions that have caused harm to others, but nevertheless, had to be made.
I have also made decisions that have caused harm to others that I could have easily avoided.
Differentiating between the two is the task that makes the implementation of step nine somewhat tricky.

I’m Maze. I’m an addict.