Step Four: Just The Facts

Ends...some people will rob their mother for the ends; rats snitch on one another for the ends; sometimes kids get murdered for the ends.
--Everlast

STEP FOUR
“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
[Spiritual principle(s) associated with this step: Courage, Self-honesty]

Take out a pen and piece of paper. Make that, several pieces of paper. Might as well make it a spiral notebook, or two. Lots of writing to be done!

A ‘searching and fearless moral inventory’ sounds ominous. I know I avoided moving on to this step for quite some time. I was so afraid of what I would discover about myself. Perhaps that is why courage is one of the spiritual principles associated with step four. I had to get past the fear of what I would find out about myself and just put pen to paper and start… somewhere… anywhere… just start writing.

I have heard, many times, that the steps are in the order they are in for a reason. I know that this is true because I once tried to skip steps one, two and three and just do a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I guess I assumed that step four was the key to getting clean. I figured if I just did that, then I’d know myself better and therefore be able to change without being in a 12 step group or in any sort of formal recovery program. The inventory I took ended up being neither searching nor fearless. When I look back on that inventory now, I see a lot of justifications and rationalizations for my behavior.

“I stole the Loratabs from Kelly’s medicine cabinet, but they were expiring that month anyhow.”

“I borrowed money from my son’s savings account, but I always intended to pay it back.”

A true fourth step, a searching fourth step, a fearless fourth step, is an honest moral inventory.

The word inventory means just that. A stock-taking. A list. Inventory it, don’t explain it. Just write it out as it happened without justifying or rationalizing or even trying to understand. Understanding will come later. Understanding comes in the steps that follow. Step four is simply an inventory.

“I stole $2000 from Kim.” There is no reason to explain that at this point.

“I endangered my children’s lives by driving drunk when they were in the car.” That’s it, list it and move on.

“I often took my children with me when I picked up drugs in dangerous neighborhoods.” Avoid the desire to add, ‘but it was better than leaving them home alone.’

“I used rent and food money to buy drugs.” No need to explain how I still managed to feed my family.

“I lied to my husband about where I spent my time.” Just the facts, nothing more.

“I called into work sick many, many times when I was not sick.” It doesn’t matter that I had a hangover or was coked up from Friday to Sunday and went without sleep the entire weekend.

"I took the left-over Morphine patches and the bottles of Dilaudid and Xanax from my mother's room before the coroner even took her body away." I don't even have a justification for this one.

Take an inventory. Just the facts.

The thing about years of active drug addiction is that it changes you. Inside, at your core, you are still the same person, but on the outside, what others see, is very different than what is at your core. Your insides don’t match your outsides.

Inside, you have values and standards and morals like anyone else. Outside, your behavior doesn’t reflect those values and standards and morals, at least not consistently. Values and morals usually dictate behavior. Not so in active addiction. The need, the hunger, the all-consuming craving is what dictates behavior.

For example, I know it is wrong to steal. That goes against my moral fiber. It is a direct contradiction to the values I was raised on and took to heart. Yet, I did steal. I stole from strangers, from establishments, from friends, from family. I stole merchandise and money and drugs. Did I feel guilty? Absolutely. Did that stop me? Rarely. The need to satisfy my craving almost always outweighed the need to live up to my own internal standards.

I am not going to go through my laundry list of crimes and misdeeds, of hurts and manipulations, of my moral degradation and spiritual demoralization. It is not necessary to do that here, now. I have done that. I have worked step four several times in these past ten years.

Every time I work step four it feels as if I go deeper, like another layer has come off and I discover more about
who I was,
who I became,
who I am now,
who I am becoming.

I’m Maze. I’m an addict.