STEP FIVE
"We admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs."
[Spiritual principle(s) associated with this step: Integrity, Honesty]
I sometimes prefer darkness over light.
The living room needs a good dusting - if I open the shades, this becomes obvious to me and anyone else walking into the living room. If I keep the shades closed, I don't really notice the dust particles, and chances are, no one else will notice, either.
In step five, I have to open the shades. I have to let in the light that will show every dust particle floating in the air, the collected dust on the furniture, and the dust bunnies hiding under the couch. I have to stand in the center of the living room and take it all in. It is not a pretty sight.
If that's not bad enough, I have to invite someone into the dusty, dirty living room without tidying up before they get there.
Why is it so hard to share who I am, who I really am, with another person? That's what step five is about, see. Before taking this step, I had shared a lot of different pieces of myself with a lot of different people. I had never shared all of me with one other person. As far back as I can remember, this is how I operated... you get to know this part of me, and he gets to know this other part of me, and she gets to know still another part of me. Taken all together, it is the whole of me, but I always felt too vulnerable and exposed to put the whole of me out there, all at once.
Why is it so hard to share the whole of me with another person? I believe the fear is rooted in rejection. When you know who I really am, when I am fully exposed, you will not like some parts of me that I previously hid away from you. When you see me in the light, without shadows, you will turn away from me. When you hear what I've done, the sins I've committed, you will condemn me. When you know how I think, when my soul is laid bare, you will hate me. When I allow you to know me, to truly know me, you will wish you had never met me.
I am so ugly. I have hidden so much. I am cloaked in shame. See these things, hear these words, this is the whole of me.
My pain was my excuse, but in this light there are no worthy excuses. As much as I experienced pain in my life, I also caused it. The harsh light shows me this. The harsh light shows you this.
My fear was my armor, but I have been stripped of my armor. So many of the fears I have held onto, so many of the fears that have guided my life could have long ago been discarded. I chose to hold onto them and I chose to allow them to hold me back from becoming who I could have become, who I was meant to become.
My shame was my prison, but the cell door has been unlocked for a long time; I kept the door closed and told myself I didn't have the key. It was more comfortable to remain in that prison of shame, playing the part of the victim, telling myself it was not safe to come out of my cell.
The exact natures of my wrongs: Pain, fear, shame. All of my anger, all of my sadness, all of my dishonesty, all of my guilt, it is all rooted in pain and fear and shame. Every crime I've ever committed, every hurt I've ever caused, every lie I've ever told, it is all rooted in pain and fear and shame.
Pain and fear and shame. These are the exact natures of all my wrongs. Under the dirt and the dust, in the light, for god to see, for me to see, for you to see, these have been the underlying, guiding forces of all my life. Pain and fear and shame.
Because you hear me, my pain is lessened.
Because you hold me, my fear dissolves.
Because you see me, my shame is erased.
I’m Maze. I’m an addict.
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