STEP SIX
"We became entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character."
[Spiritual principle associated with this step: Willingness]
All these defects of character? All what defects of character?
The first time I worked step six it was about letting go of all the coping mechanisms I had always used, but no longer needed. These coping mechanisms got in the way of living life fully and authentically. Over time, they became my defects of character. There were many, but I’ll cover three here that severely limited my ability to truly be who I was meant to be, who I could have been, without these defects of character.
Character Defect #1: It may sound strange to say that suicidal ideation is a coping mechanism, but it was one of my big ones. When things felt as if they were spiraling out of control, thoughts of suicide were usually my first line of defense. Planning my death was comforting to me. In my mind, it was my escape route, the way out of anything and everything. Without it, my only choice was to face the things in my life that were too emotionally overwhelming to face.
I learned this coping mechanism when I was a teenager, I think. When I got caught doing something wrong - which I often did - I'd threaten suicide. Everyone would freak out. I'd be sent to see school counselors, youth ministers, and eventually psychologists. The focus became on my emotional turmoil, rather than my crime or misbehavior. After a while, as I grew older and became more and more entrenched in the culture and lifestyle of addiction, suicidal ideation was no longer simply to get out of trouble with my parents, the law and school officials, but it became a viable option to get out of my own emotional self imprisonment, mental anguish, and spiritual bankruptcy.
Character Defect #2: Another coping mechanism I used long after I needed it was a kind of disassociation. Disassociation is often used by people who have been sexually abused as children, especially when the abuse is chronic and on-going. I learned to ‘go away,’ as I remember calling it at age 11. After the first few incidents I discovered I could do something unexplainable with my mind – even though my body was in that dimly lit, dirty garage apartment of my abuser, in my mind I could go far, far away to lighter, cleaner places. I remember the first time I did it. I was staring at a rusty, dirty sink across the room, and the colors of the rust and grime reminded me of a sunset, for some strange reason. Suddenly I was on Treasure Island Beach, riding the waves on my red and blue raft after a hurricane. The waves were huge and they’d throw me off the raft and the currents would suck me under, but I’d always pop back up from the surf and there my mother would be, searching for me from the shoreline, making sure I re-emerged from the six foot waves. Later, once I mastered those waves, I went onto other places, places I’d been before and places I wished to someday visit.
Character Defect #3: A negative self-image is a hard thing to shake. When I was a teenager, I took beautiful photographs. I loved to take photographs of everything I encountered. I rarely shared them with others. When someone happened to see my work, they’d tell me I should pursue a career in photography, they’d ask for prints of my work. I rarely complied. I believed they were ‘just saying that,’ for whatever reason. In college, I wrote for the college newspaper and was chosen to be the Editor-in-Chief my sophomore year. I was amazed that anyone thought my writing and editing skills were worthy. I won awards for writing and editing on the regional level, as well as the state level. I was always amazed and wondered how this could be. I graduated college, the first in my family to ever do so, but minimized that accomplishment and chalked it up to luck of the draw. I sabotaged many jobs during my life because I didn’t feel as if I deserved the prestige or the titles given to me. I stopped taking pictures and writing somewhere along the way. I never felt good enough, no matter what other people said about me, no matter how many times I changed careers (quite effortlessly, I might add), and no matter what my accomplishments were. Quite simply, I never believed in myself.
Suicidal ideation, disassociation, and my negative self-image were just three of my character defects I had to address head-on in step six. At the point I first worked this step, I was still having some trouble with the whole ‘god thing’ and wasn’t sure how to “become entirely ready to allow god to remove these defects of character,” so I sought help from others, from friends, a sponsor, a therapist. I discovered that “allowing god” for me meant opening myself up to others and asking for help. It meant allowing others to help me identify the self-defeating behaviors and beliefs I had been clinging to for so long, and then allowing them to help me discard these defects of character.
The result of working the sixth step?
Knowing I no longer needed a permanent escape route from life.
Knowing I could be fully present for my life and not disassociate at will.
Knowing I have talent and skills and they are worthy enough for others to gaze upon and appreciate.
The real result?
Authenticity.
I’m Maze. I’m an addict.
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